Remember how I was complaining about total strangers coming up to me, unsolicited, and telling me I was fat? Well…..as it turns out, and this is very difficult for me to admit….they were right. Last week my mom took me to the vet for my 1 year old check up. All those bitches at the vet’s office (women I previously referred to as my special friends) were in a conspiracy. First of all, the girl operating the scale said I weighed 64 lbs.! IMPOSSIBLE! Last time I was there, in July, when I was 8 months old, I only weighed 45 lbs. I could not have possibly gained almost 20 lbs. since then. Clearly, the scale was, as our president would say, “rigged”. Then the vet (another person I used to like) said I was “flabby.” How rude! She said I need to lose 10-15 lbs. I don’t think she realizes that is almost one-fourth of my body weight! She is, obviously, insane, and part of this rigged system to torture me. To add insult to injury, she gave me 3 shots. Very bad day.
The vet told my mom I need to go on a diet. I didn’t know what that meant until the next morning when there was barely any kibble in my bowl. AND, where the extra kibble should have been, there were cucumber slices. Are you kidding me? Dogs don’t eat vegetables. I gobbled down all my breakfast (including the dreaded vegetables — hey, a girl’s gotta eat) in less than a minute. I was STILL very hungry. I tried to relay this fact to my mom. First, I flipped my metal bowl upside down and kicked it around the kitchen floor. Mom just took it away. Then I sat and barked at the “vittles vault”, the impregnable pet food container. Mom ignored me for a while, then told me to be quiet. Lastly, I tried eating my mom’s feet, just to show her how very hungry I was. That got me banished to the back porch.
After breakfast (or as I call it now, “hors d’oeuvres”), we usually go for a walk. Mom told me that now, because I need to lose weight, we are going to go for a longer walk in the morning AND two more walks a day. She has clearly lost her mind. How could I possibly go on a LONGER walk when I have no energy due to my totally inadequate food supply? I cannot be expected to go farther on less fuel. That’s just bad math.
As it turns out, I survived the walk, and the two more. But I was still very hungry. For snack, instead of dog biscuits, I got a couple of carrots. Not funny. Carrots are for rabbits; not for dogs. After I ate the carrots, and begged for more, I got an ice cube. Yippee.
I figure that, with this extreme weight loss regime, I will have reached my goal weight in about a week. I will keep you posted. In the meantime, I’m gonna bite the next stranger that calls me fat….